The Mighty Daisy

Encourager | Advocate | Survivor

Financial Abuse: What Happens When Seduced By Money

Graphic showing someone holding money and the title of the blog post about financial abuse.

How Financial Abuse Starts

You meet someone so wonderful. Not only are they warm, charming, and have complete admiration for you, but they also have a great job and spoil you to pieces, something that you may not have experienced in a relationship before. Very quickly into the relationship, the narc is ravishing you with jewelry, fine dining, and vacations. The relationship progresses, and your partner makes you feel like you are the only person in the world that matters to them. At this point, you marry them because of how wonderful and generous they are to you. Once the narc fully establishes the relationship, your partner’s attitude about money, and you, all of a sudden changes. Money is now a weapon that you partner uses any chance they. This is the beginning of the cycle of financial abuse.

What Financial Abuse Looks Like

Everything that is given to you by your partner comes with a price. Your narc no longer gives nice things out of love and kindness. Soon enough there are conditions for the gifts. It could be sex, boundaries being crossed, or the requirements of how, who, when, and where you spend your time. Gifts and money are all of a sudden thrown in your face. Even if you share the finances, every penny needs to be accounted for or you will face terrible consequences. Or your partner withholds money from you, even if you work unless there is a very specific reason for needing it.

If your partner will only give you, or allow you to spend money for any reason, unless you give in to their requests is financial abuse. Those requests will often break your morals and boundaries and the narc does not care. When access to money is restricted completely or in part it is financial abuse. It is all part of the cycle to control you. When the narc controls the money he has more control over you.

Graphic of a woman counting money.
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

A Real Life Example

Financial abuse happens in so many ways. In my case, I was the one who kept the books and made the budgets. I was the one who collected the receipts and paid all of the bills. So where does the financial abuse come in? One time, when my narc was out of town on business for an extended period of time, I ate plain pasta for 3 days. He had screamed at me for getting take out one night because I worked late and there wasn’t much to eat in the house. He issued a stern warning not to any more money that week, which included groceries so I ate what was in the house.

You might be thinking, “Are you, serious lady? You put up with him not letting you eat right?” The marriage didn’t start like that and in fact, it was a whirlwind romance. Slowly before I could even notice, he was constantly checking bank balances to make sure I wasn’t hoarding money. During that same time, he was away, he had found several other women to have affairs with and the money he said he was spending on things he needed, or “gifts for me” he was spending on them. Infuriating right?

A photograph of a woman with her back turned, who has, "Love Shouldn't hurt" written on her back. It is meant to depict how financial abuse hurts even thought it's not physical abuse.
Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

When I Tried to Leave

When I found out about said affairs, he put his fist down even harder, because initially, I was going to leave him. But he had made me think that I couldn’t live a good life without him. My mind had been. I was several thousands of miles away from my hometown. He said he would get everything in the divorce and there was nothing I could do. I would have to pay to move back home, I would have to pay to move my things, I wouldn’t get a dime, even the money I worked hard to save for us. None of which was true and isn’t true for you if you are in a similar position. Divorce does not work that way.

Enough

Still not sure if you are in a financially abusive situation? The 2002 movie, starring Jennifer Lopez, Enough is the perfect example of how someone uses power and money to manipulate and control their spouse. It is also one of the most empowering movies about triumph over an abusive situation I have seen. I highly recommend watching the movie if for nothing else to see what financial, verbal, and physical abuse looks like in a “real life” situation. Sure it is just a movie, but is it? I bet there are lots of women and men, in the world who are in the same situation.

Quinn Holiday

Quinn Holiday will never realize how much he changed my life. It was through his videos that I just happened to stumble upon one day, that I realized what happened to me and why I was so damaged from my first marriage. All of a sudden my world started to make sense and why I found it so difficult to leave. The video below really hit the nail on the head about how financial abuse starts, escalates, and how the narcissist will use money and power to further control their supply. I highly recommend watching it. It might speak to you like so many of his videos have spoken to me. You can visit his website: http://www.asscgroup.com

Here is the link if you would like to see the video directly on YouTube.

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